Seven Ways to Sleep on an Airplane

Legacy

When I was a youngster back in the 80s, I wondered how we would all deal with the future, when everyone laughed at how ridiculous fashion had been.

And now I know.  The kids will eat that shit up with a fork and spoon. Just like I have continued to do with all things 70s.

And now I guess the 90s will pop back in again to say hello.  Then, sooner than any of us like, the 00s will cycle in.

And, of course, the 90s owed some of its earthiness to the late 60s, which borrowed from the 20s.  And the early 00s owed a lot to the 70s, a time period which opted to borrow from the 50s.

My grandma wore bell bottoms in the 30s.  Both my great-grandfather in 1900 and my dad in 1978 were apparently, based on their facial hair and mode of dress respectively, hipsters.

I’m scared that one of these days, I’m going to wake up and somehow be nostalgic for the future.  And that messes my head up.

Whoa!

Hey, did you hear about that girl who said fuck on Saturday Night Live?  Well, it totally happened and I was there.  I also saw U2 playing some U2 songs I don’t know (other than Ultraviolet - i knew that one).

There was also a film about a guy in from a S.W.A.T. team who raised/slaughtered lambs and a thing about Transformers with some dudes flopping their dicks around.

And the new girl said fuck.

So, there you go.  I hope Lorne Michaels doesn’t assassinate her like he did with Charles Rocket.

Les Beatles

Yo Kanye.  I…I’m really happy for you.  Im’a let you finish but the Beatles had the best songs of all time.  Of all time.

It’s been a while since the four lads from Liverpool, John, Paul, George and Ringo stormed America’s shores.  In their gray suits and shaggy hair, they burst into an American music scene that was neck-deep in pablum, just emerging from years of oppressive, youth-unfriendly politics and shuddering from shady military action in nations whose motives were hard to understand at best.  Those boys gave us all the escape we so desperately needed and did so with complex yet catchy, populist yet revolutionary, groundbreaking yet simple music.  Sweet, sweet music.

Oh, and did I mention this was the Beatlemania of 1995?

Yeah.  Christ, I was only a glimmer in my parents’ eyes back in ‘64 when those four lovable moptops turned left at Greenland.  By the time I was born, John was drunkenly heckling the Smothers Brothers in L.A., Paul was in that ghastly musical carnival called Wings, George was falling drunk into swimming pools and Ringo was a coked up mess.  And by the time I was settling into 1st grade, Johnny got got by a gun.

A lot of people think a lot of things about the early- to mid-nineties.  There seems to be some sort of consensus that Nirvana burst in and blew away all the crap.  We all sat together in harmony, listening to generation-uniting songs like ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ and hugged and cried under a grungy sun, caring about REAL things and eschewing the money-grubbing, materialistic ethos of the 80s.

Christ.  Another 60s parallel.  Apparently, we were hippies even though we hated hippies.  But envied hippies.  Who envied us.  While they hates us.  And so it goes.

Anyway.  Let’s look at the amazing, life altering, firmly based in ‘alternative’ culture hits of 1995, based upon the Billboard Hot 100 for that year:

1. Gangsta’s Paradise by Coolio.

What?

2. Waterfalls by TLC

Don’t you EVER go chasing them.

3. Creep by TLC

Not the Radiohead song.

4. Kiss from a Rose by Seal

Grphhh.  Batman fell so far.  (But I have to like him because Heidi Klum does)

5. On Bended Knee by Boyz II Men

I won’t go on but you gotta get to #41 before you find those bastions of ‘alternative’ music, Collective Soul.  No Nirvana, kids.  Mope on.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Well, now, Will has gone off on a missive about the 90s and has avoided his true goal of telling Kanye that the Beatles kick everyone else’s ass’.

Not true.  I just had to lay the groundwork.  My 90s missive will come later.

When I went up to Best Buy on the night of November 19, 1995, in order to stand in line for The Beatles Anthology One, it was because I had a little empty space in my musical gut.  At midnight, I was one of many Beatle-nerds who rushed in to get ahold of those early recordings.  And it reminded me that life is good.

Yeah, I had to immediately skip through the ‘new’ Beatles song “Free as a Bird” but beyond that, I had a two disc presentation that knocked my socks off.

Those four guys made music unlike anything I had heard before and anything I have heard since. How anyone could make something that seems so simple yet, upon further inspection, is really SO difficult is beyond me.  Granted, this was my second Beatles revelation (I’m gonna totally freak out when I reach revelation 9) but it was still sooo fresh.

I had an instructor once explain to me that, within 100 years, the concept of the 3 Bs (Bach, Beethoven and Brahams) will become the 4 Bs (then including the Beatles).

She was probably right.

And with the release of ‘The Beatles Rock Band’, I have rediscovered the music that made me feel alive that night in 1995.  And another night in 1990.  And another in 1988.

Good luck, Kanye.  I really hope you can make it work.  But when even Michael ‘Oh Shit, Now I’m Dead’ Jackson has to borrow from the Beatles (see: Beat It riff v. Day Tripper), you gotta start thinking.

Peace out.  And, really, do yourself a favor and check out ‘Beatles for Sale’.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Pennies

Seriously.  I have like a thousand of these things.  So that’s 10 bucks.  A THOUSAND PENNIES.  And that’s all they’re worth?

I don’t understand why we need these things.  I never use them but I seem to constantly be receiving them. Then they just hang around the house, filling up unused bowls or starting little penny communes under the furniture.

I thought maybe I could glue a bunch of them together and make a light saber but then I realized that a) i wouldn’t light up and b) it is a federal crime to tamper with our nation’s currency.  That second realization also brought down upon me the understanding that I can’t even go for the third option and just throw them out.

I also considered burying them but I understand that would just pollute the water supply and poison innocent people and I’m not that kind of guy.

So what do I do with these fuckers?  Maybe you want some pennies.  Maybe you have some loafers you could stick them in.  Or maybe you have a REALLY old Ford gum machine.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on nickels.

P.S.: Could I sell these things as patriotic collectors coins celebrating the presidency of Abe “The Great Emancipator” Lincoln?  Don’t people from Illinois really like Lincoln?  Or maybe log cabin enthusiasts.

P.P.S.: Don’t you dare steal my idea.

P.P.P.S: I’ll trade these pennies straight up for quarters.  Now THAT’S a MAN’S coin.

Blerg

It is Sunday.  Supposed to snow tonight.  And I am running reports for work.  Blerg, nerds and nut on all that.  Oh, and Rihanna is apprantly back with Chris Brown.  So there goes the neighbourhood.

Hush.

Will

Lost was on Again

Oh my it was.

And what a time we all had.

Looks like John Locke has some crrrrrazy times when he returned to the real world.

Also looks like his powers of pursuasion aren’t so hot on the mainland.

Oh, and did you blink?  Because you might have missed Walt, the bird killing superboy.  I have a feeling he smells weird.  Coz guys that age always do.  I know I smelled weird.  It is a magical time, living in that gap between childhood and adulthood when all those hormones make you crazy but you haven’t figured out deodorant yet.

Anyway.  Locke found other folks as well.  I must say that Sayid is not doing those poor foreigners much good because the roof he was working on in the photo Whitmore showed Locke was the same roof Sayid was working on when Locke found him.  But, hey, just because you are a great torturer doesn’t make you a good school-builder.  Or maybe that was just more time-traveling Marty McFly bullshit.

Hurley thought Locke was just a hallucination which I found funny.  Then he found out he was not, saw Abaddon, and ran away.  Which is impressive.  Had the survivors had Hurley’s robe on the island, everyone could have slept in sheltered safety.  Dadoom dish (that’s a rim-shot).

Kate was a pain in the ass as usual.

Jack was apparently working on that crazy beard he later sported.  Nice work, Jack.  I will miss your drunken Jim Morrison impression.

Anyway, Locke went to Peg Bundy’s grave and told her goodbye or some shit which doesn’t matter because we all know she was a paid minion of Tom Sawyer.  I said that.

Then old Abaddon, that angelic wrestler, got shot by Ben.  And Locke ran away and got in a car crash which is how he got to Jack in the first place.

I really enjoyed the part where Locke was all like, “it is fate i am here after this car crash” and Jack was all like, “hey, dumbass, you crashed next door to my hospital.  Also, go jump in the lake.”

Sun got left out of all this shit because Locke made a promise to Jin.  Yeah, well, whatever.

Anywho, Locke got brought back to life and more characters showed up and, well, I just can’t take any more characters.

The expected rundown:

Jack: like that beard

Kate: you know how I feel

Ben: saved Locke, killed Locke, ended up laying on a cot with the new folks

Farriday: not there

Walt: well, it WAS pretty nice to see him again but he had better lay off those birds.  It would have been funny if there were pidgeons falling to the ground behind him

Sayid: trying to do some REAL GOOD by building a Ronald McDonald House

Hurley: crazy but not crazy but probably crazy all the same

Abaddon: you know that’s the name of the angel who wrestled with Jacob, right?  Bible time!

Widmore/Whitmore/Whyydmohre: I have no doubt this guy is an ass.  He reminds me of Bart Bass but I can’t really go into that because I don’t write about Gossip Girl right now

Michael: in some new shitty show with the dude from ‘Dazed and Confused’ who tried to fight the guy at the moon tower party

Juliet: apparently starred in “The Linda McCartney Story” (94% of which was about her overcoming her inability to master the tambourine), even though she looks a lot more like Heather Mills (read: better looking than Linda McCartney/really more mean)

Charlie: still dead

Shannon: sadly, still dead.

But here is the little twisty twist.  When Ben was laying on his cot, injured from the supposed crash, he appeared to be laying with a) a rock star dude and b) a buxom blonde.  Charlie and Shannon might show back up yet.  And that makes me almost as happy as the return of Mr. Eko would.

Oh, and the asshole won Top Chef.  But I can’t see how that’s a spoiler because they are all ass’oles.

Will

Lostington

Well, I was a good 2,000 words into my ‘Lost’ feelings when the cats (real cats not jazz musicians) unplugged my ailing computer (tip: if a cat spills beer on your iBook, let it dry out, do NOT crack it open or your battery will never be right).

So here is a quick version:

Desmond: I don’t like him as much as I did.

Jack: I still don’t like him.

Jin: Thank you for coming back.  I don’t even care if you are not actually the son of a fisherman.

Sun: As your name implies, you are a ray of hope.

Kate: blerggh.  You SUCK.  Don’t tell a man never to ask what happened to his weirdo superbastard child.

Sawyer: Where were you, man?

Lapenis: I can’t spell your name but it was cool to see you again.  Your face looks weird.

Locke: Dead is a bummer but I bet you’ll reawaken then beat the shit out of Mulder and Scully.

Sayid: Hey, I have always liked you but what did you get up to? Why the Chicana guardian?

Ben: If you killed Penny, I am pissed but, then again, I have a feeling you gotta do what you gotta do and i have always respected you for that, you dickhole.

Chandler: you made ‘Friends’ intolerable.

Roscoe P. Coletrane: Buckle up for safety.

Nikki and Paolo: Oh.  Sorry.  I forgot.

Dr. House: Maybe it’s Ergot poisoning.  Let’s do a lumbar puncture.

Hurley: I like you too but I really wish they’d make a spin-off about your folks.

Frogurt: Aaron Burr.  Wait.  Does that mean SOMETHING???

Lost is a fable for our times.  Even with a failing economy, we can remember that, at one time, back in the heyday of the mid-00s, a group of somewhat pretty people got stuck on a weirdo island and experinced some magic or some sort of bullshit.

Seacreast out.

Charleston

This weekend, I am heading down to Charleston.

Charleston is a really old city in South Carolina.  It used to be the capitol but now it is just a city.  People like it a lot more, however, than the real capitol of Columbia.  Other than the presence of a beach, way better restaurants, more stuff to do and the presence of a port, I don’t see what the big deal is.  I mean, ONE WAY STREETS?  Hello?  We’re not living in Roman times here.

Anyway, we are heading down there on Saturday to enjoy an oyster roast and a show so get excited.  If you are down there, maybe I’ll see you.  Or maybe I won’t.  Charleston is a pretty big place.